All I want for Christmas is autocomplete

I’m a December baby, which means I get my entire mother lode of yearly presents at Christmastime. That means planning early, so I got to thinking this week about what I might like. And I came up with… bupkes.

So I thought I’d ask autocomplete on my phone. After all, it has an enormous database of my tweets, Facebook posts and emails to draw on – surely it knows me better than I know myself?

Dutifully, I typed “All I want for Christmas is…” and let it suggest a present.

It did not go well.

I’m pretty sure I don’t want the tip of a phallus poking out of my stocking. So to speak.

Curiosity aroused, I asked Twitter if their autocompletes provided anything better.

Replies ranged from the entirely accurate:

To the hedonistic:

To the romantic:

To the depressing:

To the surreal:

Still, it’s solved my dilemma. All I want for Christmas now is better autocomplete.

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