Bauballs: battle of the balls

For as long as anyone can remember, Christmas has happened every year. And also for as long as anyone can remember, men had balls. And yet at two separate London agencies this year, these two age-old facts came together in exactly the same way. With the same name.

Behold Albion London’s Bauballs:


And Fallon London’s Bauballs:


So before anyone gets testy, there’s only one way to settle this. With a battle of the balls, presided over by me. Obviously.

Round 1: appearance

It’s important to have good-looking stones.

Fallon’s Bauballs come in one variety: shiny, hard plastic.

Albion’s offering comes in no less than eight variants, including:


Maximum effort there. Impressive.

Round 1 winner: Albion.

Round 2: worthiness

Both sets of Bauballs are raising money for testicular cancer charities – Albion for Everyman, and Fallon for Orchid. But how much are they raising?

Fallon’s offering costs a ball-busting fifteen quid, although it does include P&P. Albion’s is £5 (plus P&P), so they’d need to sell three times as many sacks to make the same amount of money.

However. Fallon’s knackers have already sold out, whereas Albion’s Etsy shop seems very well stocked indeed. And with so many varieties, one expects gonad fans reaching into their coin purse for £15 might opt for three Albion pairs rather than one of Fallon’s.

In addition, Albion has auctioned a symbolic pair of their office dog’s bollocks on eBay for a scro-tastic 56 quid. I reckon this puts them well in the lead.

Round 2 winner: Albion.

Round 3: responsibility

While they’re shilling Christmas plums, have the agencies gone to any extra effort to spread the message of the charities they’re representing?

Fallon’s done well here with their nad-checking guide:


Whereas Albion’s is all about the decorations. Tut, all mouth and no trousers.

Round 3 winner: Fallon.

The verdict

Although the real winner here is charity my Christmas tree, I’d have to be nuts not to award it to Albion with their score of 2-1. Which means Fallon gets the sack.

Ho ho ho.

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